Carrots and Walkers
by CherylB1964
Summary: A crossover fic combining Lexx and The Walking Dead. AU as some characters who are dead are actually alive and the farm does not exist although Sophia is gone. For those who know Lexx the timing is somewhere in Season four.
1. Chapter 1

Kai watched the moth rise from the forest floor. His squawker crackled to life.

"There's a big group of people in a clearing about 50 yards north of where you are." Xev's voice came from the device. "Maybe they know why all the cities are empty."

"The cities are most likely empty because of Lyekka, but I will find them and ask." Kai said as he started off in the direction that Xev had indicated.

* * *

Daryl wasn't exactly a happy camper right now. Ever since his talk with Dale a week ago he had been even more uneasy about Shane. The old man had told him about a couple of incidents that had Daryl worried, especially when Shane was willing to put his own best friend in the cross hairs of a rifle scope. At least T-Dog had also come along. The world has truly gone to hell, he thought, when you trusted a colored boy at your back more than a white man. But then again, T-Dog had proven he was more than worthy of that trust. He motioned his companions forward and pointed. A tall thin man in black was trying to get the attention of the walkers who were ignoring him.

"What the hell? Is it some new kind of walker or what?" T-Dog asked.

"He's awful pale. Doesn't look like anything we've seen before." Shane added.

"Looks like Bambi gets a stay of execution today. I'm not trying to get through that many walkers and Mr Johnny Cash reject definitely doesn't belong in these woods. When something is in the woods that is a threat, animals run away. Trying to hunt anything right now is a waste of time." Daryl said.

"And I don't think the man in black is interested in walkers anymore." T-Dog added as he pointed out the figure coming toward them with a determined stride.

"Shit!" Daryl said raising his bow and aiming at the man's head as the man raised his arm in their direction. "Get down!"

Kai had heard the conversation on the ridge. Enhanced hearing was a major benefit of being a Divine Assassin, so he also heard the mechanical sounds that indicated carrot probes nearby. He fired his brace at the carrot just in time to catch the dart flying at his head.

Daryl quickly realized that whatever it was the man had fired, had flown by both he and T-Dog. T-Dog turned around to check on Shane. "What the hell?" Shane was nowhere to be found.

"Sorry bastard" Daryl muttered realizing that what Dale suspected was more than likely right.

"You would do better to fire your darts at the carrot probes." The mystery man said calmly as he joined them.

"Who, what the hell are you? And what the hell is a carrot probe?" T-Dog asked pointing his Glock at the figure.

"I am Kai, Last of the Brunnen G." as he offered Daryl's arrow back to him.

"I'm more interested in how you just walked through that pack of walkers like you're out for a Sunday stroll." Daryl said warily taking the arrow.

"I am a Divine Assassin. I am dead, I think your 'walkers' prefer their food alive. Carrot probes also prefer their victims alive." Kai said picking up the smashed probe. "They were sent here to scout this world by Lyekka for living prey to eat. There was another one. Where is the other man who was with you?"

"Running like a bitch to save his own ass." Daryl said as he finished resetting his bow and loading it.

"I do not think he will succeed. The carrot probes preferred route of entry into the human body is to burrow in through the rectum. The other one has most likely embedded itself in your companion by now. We need to find him."


	2. Ebony and Ivory

"I still say we should shoot him." Glenn said pointing the rifle at Shane as Rick and Dale handcuffed him to the bed.

"Relax Glenn. We're not shooting Shane." Rick said checking the cuffs to make sure they would not accidentally tighten.

"Easy for you to say. His wasn't licking you and wondering if soy sauce would make you taste better." Glenn grumbled.

"Guys, they're back." Lori said opening the RV door to admit Daryl, T-Dog and a stranger carrying what looked like a robotic head into the room.

"So you can tell if he got himself prison raped by a carrot right?" Daryl asked.

"If you see an extra eye in the middle of his forehead you can tell. Other than that we will need 790 here to tell us. The important thing is finding out if it is there." Kai answered.

"Call me senile but I haven't a clue what you are talking about." Dale said.

"Shane took off and left me and Daryl for the walkers" T-Dog said.

"And got a carrot jammed up his ass for his trouble." Daryl finished. "This is Kai, He says he is dead and he comes from the Light Universe, so I don't want to hear no more smart-assed remarks about chupacabras."

"The carrot is definitely there. If it senses a threat it will vacate his body." 790 replied. "I suggest we block off all the exits in this vehicle until we decide how we want to proceed from here."

* * *

The small group sat around a picnic table eating a late lunch. Xev and Stan had joined them. Xev had immediately zeroed in on Daryl as her already accelerated libido went into hyperdrive.

"So why are all the cities deserted?" Xev asked, scooting closer to Daryl. "They were full of people before."

"It's safer out here than in the cities. The cities belong to the walkers." Rick answered. "It's too easy to get trapped."

"Can't find too much in the way of food either, unless you have a taste for sewer rats." T-Dog said. "But I guess if you eat it long enough, you get used to it. I'm getting used to squirrel real quick."

"These walkers are dead, but they do not act like they are dead." Kai added. "The dead do not eat."

"Must be the way it works in your Light Universe. Cause these sons of bitches are dead, they do eat and they're always hungry." Daryl said as he stood up and moved to the other side of the table between Andrea and Carol.

"Divine Assassins do not possess stomachs. We were created by Divine Shadow for one purpose, to kill enemies of the Divine Order." Kai replied. "Your walkers have no identifiable purpose other than to eat."

"Kai on the other hand has a purpose, he is an unstoppable killing machine." Stan added.

"I don't see any weapons, how do you kill people." Andrea asked.

Kai activated his brace. "Usually with my brace. But I am just as adept at using other weapons. As a Divine Assassin you must be versed in multiple ways of ending a life."

"And you can kill these carrot things with it?" Rick asked.

"A few, yes he can. But the carrot probes are like your walkers, they will come in a huge pack. The two this morning were like advance scouts. They locate a possible food source and then transmit that information to others. Then the message is passed on to Lyekka's asteroid. Right now Lyekka has agreed to eat Japan, but she will not stop there." 790 answered.

"Lyekka is good for her word." Stan said. "She promised."

"And you wonder why I call you a waste of brain cells." 790 retorted.

"So what you're really saying is that between the carrots and the walkers, we're history." Glenn spoke up.

"Not really, 790 has figured out how to use them against each other." Xev said eyeballing Glenn.

"Speaking of which, we should get started. One of you will have to threaten to kill Shane." Kai said. "Who is the biggest threat to him?"

"Biggest threat or the one he believes would kill him without hesitation?" T-Dog asked.

"The threat has to be believable." Kai answered.

The entire group answered, "Daryl."

"Here is the plan. Get the carrot out of Shane without letting it get into anyone else. Then I will reprogram it to focus on the walkers. Lyekka does not like dead things, so she will figure that there is no more food and leave." 790 said.

"Are you sure she won't like the walkers?" Lori asked.

"I'm sure. They avoid me because I am dead." Kai answered. "Lyekaa prefers her food living. She does not like dead things.

Daryl pulled out his hunting knife looked at it and then looked at his crossbow. "How close do I have to be?"

"Firing a dart at him from a distance would be safer than getting close enough to use the knife." Kai said.

"Daryl, remember you're just pretending here. Do not shoot Shane." Rick reminded him.

"I won't shoot him, but once this carrot situation is handled, I'm gonna stomp his ass." Daryl said.

"WE are going to stomp his ass." T-Dog added.

"Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder would've been proud of this moment." Dale said with a laugh. When everyone gave him a blank stare he stared singing:

"_Ebony and Ivory,_

_Going to kick Shane's ass,_

_In perfect harmony…"_

T-Dog chuckled. "Just call us the post apocalyptic poster boys for racial equality."

Daryl set his bow. "Well let's get er done. The sooner that carrot is out of Shane, the sooner we can work on race relations in Walkerville."

"Nothing like a common goal to bring folks together." Dale said with a laugh.


	3. Walker Hunting

"Well this is it." Stan said. "We found the armory. I wish he would just tell us where everything is on the Lexx instead of telling us after the fact."

"Relax Stan, you know Kai thinks about what is important now and doesn't borrow trouble. We found the black packs like he wanted." Xev said. "So let's pack them in the moth and head back. Don't forget to grab The Protoblood from the Cryochamber just in case."

* * *

790 was directly hooked into the Carrot probes central processor. Occasional beeps and pings could be heard as he adjusted the programming.

"How long will it take to reprogram it?" Rick asked looking at the deactivated carrot probe.

"A few hours." 790 replied. "But I'll need a walker to actually finish the program."

"A walker? You mean one that's completely dead right?" Lori questioned.

"No I need one that is still moving. I have to find out what indicators to program them to look for. That means a through exam."

"Can't you just use the head?" Dale asked.

"No it needs to be fully functional. I can control one easily." Kai said. The problem is that I am dead, so they will ignore me. We must lure one close enough to catch it without killing it will be difficult."

"Don't people snare rabbits where you come from?" Daryl asked. "It's not that hard, all I need is some rope. I can rig the trap, but we'd still need bait."

"Bait?" Glenn said with a gulp.

"Yeah bait. And here I thought you were a Chinaman with guts."

"Korean dammit! For the last time I am Korean!"

"Whatever. A chicken shit is still a chicken shit. But you don't sound like a chicken shit right now." Daryl pointed out. "Besides I wasn't planning on asking you to be bait. I need you to get the rope, so I was going to ask you to go to town."

"Oh, that I can do." Glenn said sighing with relief. "I'll see if anyone else needs anything while I'm going."

"It would be best to wait for Xev and Stanley's return. I asked them to return to the Lexx and bring back better weapons for you." Kai replied.

"Better weapons?" Dale asked.

"Yes right now Daryl possesses the most effective weapon. It is more primitive than a gun but it still kills them and without the noise that you say attracts them. He can reuse his darts and if he runs out he can always fashion more darts without any special equipment.

Your guns will only be effective as long as you have bullets. You need special equipment to create bullets. I asked them to bring something with a much longer time period of effectiveness for you." Kai explained.

Everyone looked up at the sound of the moth landing. Xev and Stanley pulled out a bunch of odd shaped items and a large jar then headed toward the group.

"Is there anything else about or aboard the Lexx we don't know about?" Stan asked as he dumped the pile of black packs on the table.

"Yes, there are many things about the Lexx that you do not know. Some of them will eventually prove useful like the moth breeding chamber and the armory and some will never be needed." Kai replied.

"It would be nice for the Captain to know about them." Stan grumbled.

"I do not know what will be needed until it is needed Stanley. The Black Packs were not needed until now, there was no reason for me to tell you about it." Kai said picking up one of the Black Packs.

"We thought you might need more Protoblood." Xev said. "It would be bad if you went into protoblood failure now with carrots and walkers all around us."

"Thank you Xev. Although I am not near failure levels replenishing my supply is not a bad idea. I have one more errand for you. I need you and Stanley to go with Glenn to town in the moth. We will need some rope. While you are gone I will teach everyone how to use the black packs."

"And then we're going Walker hunting." Daryl said.

* * *

"Okay, I'm ready to go. Shane wants one of those pillows that people with hemorrhoids sit on. Where would I find one?" Glenn asked.

T-Dog and Daryl glanced at each other for a minute then T-Dog said. "Too bad you won't find one."

Daryl put his arm around Glenn's shoulder, "Glenn you won't even be able to find a tube of Preparation-H. Got it?"

"Yeah I got it." Glenn swallowed trying not to let Daryl know just how intimidating he was being. "Shane just has to suffer."

* * *

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of them going out in the woods and trying to catch a walker." Carol said. "What if we lose Daryl or Rick? There aren't many of us left and I don't think I could stand it if someone else comes back bitten. Just the thought."

Andrea put her arm around Carol's shoulder. "They know the risks and they will be careful. And remember Daryl is the one who went out in those woods by himself to look for Sophia."

"That's why I'm worried. We almost lost Daryl then."

"Kai will keep them safe, don't worry. He's good at that." Stan said.

"Stan is right Kai is a Divine Assassin. He's good at keeping people alive and won't let anything happen to them."

* * *

"Daryl are you sure about this?" Rick asked eying the rope snare.

"I'm sure. Somebody has to be the bait, I know what I'm doing. Besides I don't want to be the one to tell your little boy his daddy is laying in the forest with a bullet in his head because you wanted to be all macho."

"I do not understand. Your walkers don't use guns." Kai interjected.

"We know what happens when someone gets bit, we've seen it. It's a death sentence, you die and come back as one of them. I don't want to come back and kill my wife or my son." Rick explained. "If I get bitten Daryl will shoot me so I don't come back, and I'll do the same for him."

"I will not allow you to shoot each other. If you are bitten, there is an option that does not involved death." Kai said.

"I woke up in a hospital full of bodies, we tried treating them it doesn't work. The only thing that works is a bullet between the eyes." Rick argued.

"Your medical methods and procedures are primitive. The Protein Regenerator on the Lexx can cure a bite. It can cure almost everything except death. So I will not allow you to kill each other when we have the means to cure you." Kai countered.

"Yeah well I think we'd better stop jaw-jacking now." Daryl said pointing down along the creek bed they had chosen to set up the trap. "Hoss down there is looking for lunch."

Kai grabbed Rick and fired his brace lifting them both up into the tree while Daryl stepped out into a somewhat clear spot to make sure the walker saw him. Everything would have worked just fine if the second walker hadn't shown up.

The second walker being closer drew Daryl's attention from the approaching walker along the creek bed.

"Damn!" Rick shouted as Kai dropped from the tree.


	4. A Final Service

"We have a problem." Rick yelled as they entered the camp. "Daryl's bit."

Kai fired his brace, fouling Shane's aim. "No! Do not shoot him. Stanley, get him to the LEXX and in a Cryopod. Xev and I will stay here and make sure the walker does no damage until you get back."

"He's been bitten we have to do what we have to do." Shane said raising his gun again.

"I do not think you will be particularly missed. And I do not care one way or another if you live. It will make no difference to me." Kai said taking aim at Shane.

"The Protein regenerator?" Zev asked.

"Yes. He was not comfortable with the idea of me sucking the poison out." Kai answered.

"I'll go with Stan." Xev said.

"No I need you here. Zev was once like your walkers, she was cured." Kai explained. "Daryl will be cured also."

"Come on, you'll probably like the Lexx. Pa Golean liked it and you remind me of him, just not quite as dumb." Stan said, pulling Daryl off in the direction of the moth.

"What do you mean she was like the walkers?" Glenn asked pointing at Xev.

"It was a long time ago, on a planet called Ruuma. It's where they sent the bodies of former Divine Shadows. It had certain properties that kept the bodies in a semi living state like your walkers." Kai explained. "The Divine Shadows also had a craving for living flesh and Xev was bitten. I was able to suck out the poison and cure her."

"After he sobered up that is." Xev added. "Divine Assassins are already in a sort of semi-living state, so the radiation affects them differently. It makes them inebriated."

"Once 790 finishes reprogramming the probe, we'll return to the Lexx and cure Daryl. I will need 790 to calibrate and run the Protein regenerator."

"Sometimes people die and turn really quick." T-Dog said. "How long is this going to take."

"Stanley will put Daryl in a Cryopod until 790 and I return. He will be frozen in Cryosleep."

* * *

"So this is the Lexx, the most powerful destructive force in the two universes. Lexx, say hello to Daryl." Stan said as they got out of the moth.

"Hello to Daryl." Lexx replied.

"Come on the cryochamber is this way." Stan said.

Daryl was following Stan down a corridor when a strange noise caught his attention. Turning he followed the odd sound and found himself looking a large tongue sticking up out a hole and licking the surface. "What the hell is that?"

"What? Oh the toilet." Stan said.

"That is a toilet? You have got to be shitting me! I think I'd rather wipe my ass with poison oak anyday." Daryl replied.

"It's actually not a bad feeling once you get used to it." Stan answered. "Come on guy, let's get you in the cryopod."

* * *

Kai watched as the protein regenerator shut down.

"So I'm cured now?" Daryl asked as Kai removed the tubes that connected him to the protein regenerator.

"More than cured, you are immune to the virus that causes people to become walkers." Kai replied. "Before we return, I would like to talk to you. This group is important to you in the Way Stanley and Xev are important to me, there is a kinship among you. Your group is in danger."

"I know, I've known for a while. I see a lot more than they think I see." Daryl said.

"They misjudge your intelligence level. The living tend to do that." Kai nodded.

"Shane is a danger. He tolerates everyone for now, but he and Lori were screwing like rabbits every chance they got. It was pretty clear that something was going on between them before Rick showed up . Ever since Rick showed up, Shane's been obsessing over Lori and the boy. Kind of a kick to the nuts having your girlfriend's husband show up alive like that when you told her he was dead.

Sooner or later we are all going to become excess baggage in the way of Shane getting Lori. She isn't helping matters any and neither is the kid. The kid I can understand, But she is playing Shane and Rick against each other. Rick is his best friend but Shane won't let that stop him much longer, and that boy only lives as long as he isn't inconvenient.

If it wasn't for the fact that he's an extra gun when we need it and it would get me kicked out of the group, I would have already killed him. I figure that if I get kicked out, their odds get cut in half. None of them know anything about survival.

Sooner or later Shane's either gonna get bit or make Rick kill him when he can't keep it together any longer. So I'm just letting nature run it's course and and hoping I can do enough damage control to keep things together afterwards. That just going to depend on who comes out on top. If it's Rick, we've got a fighting chance. If it's Shane, I'm not going to last much longer than Rick and the rest of them are going to drop like flies once I'm gone." Daryl explained.

"You are as intelligent as I calculated you would be." Kai said. "The living often judge intellect by appearance, it would be wise to let Shane continue to do so."

"Talk to Dale, he thinks Shane was actually gonna kill Rck a while back." Daryl said.

* * *

"Daryl told you to speak to me? Why?" Dale asked Kai.

"Tell me about Shane." Kai asked.

"I can't prove anything but he wants to kill Rick, and he's been looking for an excuse to kill Daryl." Dale said quietly. "Rick and Daryl are obstacles to want Shane wants. He wants Rick's wife and he wants to control this group. I think he knows that even if he kills Rick, Daryl is going to protect this group. I honestly think Daryl would have done it by now if not for Rick getting between them all the time.

Shane just hasn't been able to think of a way to make it happen without suspicion. But if he ever does, Rick and Daryl will be dead as soon as he can arrange it."

* * *

The group watched as the carrot sprang for the walker. The walker being a walker did not react as the carrot burrowed it's way inside. It continued to shamble around controlled by Kai's brace encircling it's neck for a few more minutes before it fell to the ground motionless.

"Is it dead?" Dale asked.

"The brain is what keeps it alive, destroy the brain and the walker will die. The probe destroyed the brain." Kai replied. "You are sure it transmitted the information to the other probes, 790?"

Everyone jumped in alarm when the carrot suddenly came back out the same way it went in. It stopped to scan the group for a moment before turning and disappearing into the woods.

"So that's that." Rick said.

"Not necessarily. They will attack the walkers, but your last census showed that there were close to 10 million people living in this state of Georgia. 790 only detected 275 carrot probes in a 25 mile radius from here. You will still need the black packs for any walkers that do threaten you."

"So now can we get off this miserable Type 13 planet?" Stan asked.

"There is one more thing that I must do before I leave. Shane Walsh, you are a danger to everyone. Although your continued existence does not matter to me, It does matter to everyone else here.

I have killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, I kill you now in the service of this group." Kai said as he fired his brace.


End file.
